Vivid Image of Granny Appeared

Something incredible happened to me a few nights ago.

It has been more than a week when I started sleeping in the living room. The same DIY bed where my granny used to sleep. A place where I felt so belong. So secure. So loved.

There were nights where I lie down and tears started to flow freely from my eyes. Memories of my granny came back to me. I dare not look at the photos I took of granny for fear of breaking down and crying myself to sleep.

Funny. I mean I used to be able to  see those photos without fear of crying. But, now I do. Why? I do not know still.

And like any other night, I looked up to the ceiling and wondered away with the day's activities which I did. I fell asleep within minutes. Every few hours I would wake up to check on the main door and my surroundings.

I still have this feeling where I got up and be looking around as though things were not in place and I felt insecure if I left out something which required my attention. I doze back to sleep in seconds.

And while in the midst of ...maybe sleeping and dreaming, I felt this sudden warmness that sweeps through my body. Despite the ultimately hot weather, I felt as though the temperature was just right for me. I opened my eyes, enough to peek through my eyelids. And it was that moment I saw a vivid picture of granny standing in front of me.

I was at eased and secured like a kid. I could not make myself say a word to her and immediately fell asleep again. Suppose the medication I took was too strong and it was impossible to fight awake.

Granny, I wish to see you again.

Marriage and I

As I type this post, I am in the juncture of deciding my future. An issue which I rarely gave much thought about, depending on the subject.

As I get older and with my dear granny's absence, the subject that people around me always bring up about is marriage. I find this intimidating in a way.

I used to look around for cute looking boys ( that was like about 10 years ago ). I thought how sweet it would be to be in love, getting flowers and kisses. It was like a fairytale of some sort. That was how I perceived it. And yes, I did went out for some casual dates of which all of them lasted just one date.

Problem did not lie on the boys. Each of them was nice. Decent. And of course, in between, there were some jerks too ( of which I left breakfast or lunch or coffee session even before saying my goodbye ). And slowly that boils down to the fact that I do have my own ideal partner in mind ( at least that is what I thought at that moment ).

Now, 10 years later, I do not have the urge to even ask someone for a date. Basically, I no longer have the courage and yes, bother much about it. Funny how this turned out. Really it does.

Looks is no longer something I look into. As I grow older, what counts really the personality, attitude and also the person's life principle as well as beliefs. I could have revealed more. But, then again, should I?

Cancer Support Group

I did not know that FGA has a support group for cancer patients to support each other physically, emotionally and spiritually until my granny's passing. I was told that the group is still new; about a year old.

Some months ago, I went to this support group right after contacting the late sister Sharon Yap who was a pancreatic cancer stage 4 patient herself. There were about a few calls before meeting her in real person for the first during the second Sunday service around the month of March.

To me, a cancer patient can be easily recognised with its physical appearance. Pale and extremely thin. Patients who are able to walk are normally walking in a very careful walking posture.

I have so far, attended  one meeting with the support group, consisting cancer patients of all types - breast cancer, colon cancer, pancreatic cancer and liver cancer. My emotions are a mixture of both sadness and also fear.

I cannot even tell if it is the sadness and fear of my own situation or the heart that pours out to those patients and also caregivers. Maybe both. There are a small number who are survivors. They shared not just the gospel but also the feelings and also struggles they have to go through.

The coming meeting shall be on June 14. I do not know how I will be feeling. As for now, I can fairly say I am slowly picking up the remnants of my life after granny's passing.

I love you, Granny...

Letter to Granny. no. 5

Dear Granny,

I felt guilty. I thought I have plans for my future. Really I did. And when the time comes, as where I am now and that you are no longer by my side, I felt lost. I begin to question a lot of things in my life and even my existence.

Things that matters to me are no longer things I once thought it matters. Basically, it is like pieces of broken glasses. Transparent and empty. Not that it is not there. It is. The only thing is that it is transparent. I think you get what I mean. You know me the best...

I can deal with the fact I am where I am now. Though there are times where the most painful feeling; which was to see you in much pain and I could not do a thing to lighten your pain. The pictures are still in my head. It cemented so well that I find it something very scary to even think about.

The strength I gain from you was when I see you persevere to the very end of your breath. I lose you but I also gain you. You know well what I mean, Granny. It does not matter what the others will say. The only thing that matters to me is to earn my way to heaven and be with you again. That is all that matters.

For now, the only thing that really bothers me and also deter me from moving on with my life and my promise to you is the true meaning of life. I do not understand what life is. I feel empty without you. It seems my life is your life. And that is one set of life itself.

I miss you so much...

Missing you still,

Aby