Does It Matter?

The way you move makes me want to

run to you and give you a kiss

The way you talk to me makes me want to

lean on you and tell you this

" I can't do this no more anymore "

Does it matter to you how I feel

Does it matter to you of how I deal

with this mounting hill

of unreciprocated love of mine

Does it matter to you that I cry

Does it matter to you that I' dying

slowly inside that you are killing 

this heart of mine...that's so unkind...

Entanglement of Feelings

It was a tough week for me. Tough. The only word I can describe about my feeling. I missed Granny terribly. Sometimes it feels like it just happened.

Two weeks ago, I felt as though the world was against me. Everything seemed so not right. From the way people drove their cars to even the way people walked. The entanglement of feelings was something I dreaded yet hard to avoid.

Glimpses of Granny last few days was really unbearable for me. I have no one to talk about my feeling because I know none of them can help me in dealing with my feelings. The amount of guilt inside me is like surging waves of fire. I cannot bring myself in telling them how I feel.

Days ago, I poured myself to the bible. Worries over my knees due to the advanced condition of osteoarthritis and also guilt over the passing of Granny, I needed the Lord so terribly. The Lord sent me to 2 Samuel 22:1-20

1 David sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. 
2 He said: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
3 my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior-- from violent men you save me. 
4 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. 
5 "The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 
6 The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. 
7 In my distress I called to the LORD; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears. 
8 "The earth trembled and quaked,the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry. 
9 Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. 
10 He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. 
11 He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. 
12 He made darkness his canopy around him-- the darkrain clouds of the sky. 
13 Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth. 
14The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. 
15 He shot arrowsand scattered [the enemies], bolts of lightning and routed them. 
16 The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the LORD, at the blast of breath from his nostrils. 
17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. 
18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. 
19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. 
20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I could not make out why He sent me this verses. But, somehow, some way, I was relieved. Maybe this is what people call it comfort.

I do feel like crying sometimes. And I just did. I know Granny will never return. I know she is in better place. I know she is in Heaven. But, I miss her terribly. I could have spend more time with her. I could have treat her better. I could have been a much better grand daughter.

The last words she said to me was her disappointment with me in term of treating her. I can never turn back time. I do not mean to block away God's blessing for me by not accepting his blessing or even grace. I just cannot forgive myself...

Letter to Granny no. 6

Dearest Granny,

I made things for all the wrong reason this time around...again. And this time, I do not know if my 'want' is something worth sacrificing for as it got me to where I am now - tremendous physical, emotional and mental pain. My OA has progressed a step further...

I wished you were here to laugh at me for being such an ' old lady '. You used to laughed at the fact that my knees are much weaker than your's. I could not agree more. This time, no one can help me. No doctors can, I suppose.

The last thing I ever want now is more pills. Enough is enough. The pills and pain has to go. And my cartilage and patellas have to return to its original state. I cannot bear seeing myself popping pills for the rest of my life and risking my kidneys.

My intention was so wrong. But, I am not blaming anyone but myself. Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to salvage my health. I have seen pain. Pain of all types. There could be more. But, I do not think I can take any more by just seeing people in pain. Any pain can test a human's faith. And faith is all I ever wanted in my years to come till I meet the Lord.

Granny... you are right about all the things you told me before. Many things. And I shall remember. Though some does not make sense to me now. I know someday it will. As for now, I shall remember.

I decided not to belittle myself and choose to move on and carry the best of you in me till I see you again in Heaven. I choose to make the best whatever remaining life I have here. So, many things about you that I did not understand. But, now I do. It is never too late even now.

You were right. Right that no one can love me unless I learn to love myself. That is the core thing in life that every human has to know and appreciate. Never know the depth of this advice you have given me until I was put to test.

Again, I think, I failed. And this is where I am now. In pain. My conscience know well that the person is not to be blamed but mine alone. I wished the person responded the way I hoped. I hoped too much instead. It backfired.

Now, I learned to hold on to whatever I know or feel...

Granny, I miss you and I hope I can have a strong faith that can surpasses all challenges in life like you did with yours. You are a very brave and strong woman and I am so proud to have meet you here on earth. I shall see you in Heaven!

Your grand kid,

Aby  

The Biggest Coward

In the midst of the heartbreaks that been looming around, I decided to look for inspirational quotes to awake my sense of belonging. Belonging to home. Belonging to a place where I know I shall truly feel as though granny was beside me, laughing at my pathetic-ness, of which I did not mind at all.

In a clinic where most patients were down with cough and flu, I sat on an orange plastic chair thinking about the fate of my joint pain and also the agony of having to take medicine. At the same time contemplating to change my mind and walk out.

I did not eventually but went snuggle in my own comfort and start googling for quotes. And I found this :

The biggest coward is a man who awakens a woman's love with no intention of loving her

I mean " Wow! ". What a quote! So, so ... true.

Jerky Block

Sometimes I am not sure what I am seeing with my very own eyes. It is just so surreal. I wished I could understand or even translate into words of what exactly went through my head or what how I actually feel.

I realised how odd it is to even meet some odd block like this fella. Looks like a nice block. Acted like one. Got people we know convinced of your sincerity and yet at the same time, doubtful of your honesty. What is this?

Some of my friends even assessed you. Some finds you nice. Large number of mine thinks you are a jerk. Some even thought you are a hypocrite. So, where does that lie now?

Vivid Image of Granny Appeared

Something incredible happened to me a few nights ago.

It has been more than a week when I started sleeping in the living room. The same DIY bed where my granny used to sleep. A place where I felt so belong. So secure. So loved.

There were nights where I lie down and tears started to flow freely from my eyes. Memories of my granny came back to me. I dare not look at the photos I took of granny for fear of breaking down and crying myself to sleep.

Funny. I mean I used to be able to  see those photos without fear of crying. But, now I do. Why? I do not know still.

And like any other night, I looked up to the ceiling and wondered away with the day's activities which I did. I fell asleep within minutes. Every few hours I would wake up to check on the main door and my surroundings.

I still have this feeling where I got up and be looking around as though things were not in place and I felt insecure if I left out something which required my attention. I doze back to sleep in seconds.

And while in the midst of ...maybe sleeping and dreaming, I felt this sudden warmness that sweeps through my body. Despite the ultimately hot weather, I felt as though the temperature was just right for me. I opened my eyes, enough to peek through my eyelids. And it was that moment I saw a vivid picture of granny standing in front of me.

I was at eased and secured like a kid. I could not make myself say a word to her and immediately fell asleep again. Suppose the medication I took was too strong and it was impossible to fight awake.

Granny, I wish to see you again.

Marriage and I

As I type this post, I am in the juncture of deciding my future. An issue which I rarely gave much thought about, depending on the subject.

As I get older and with my dear granny's absence, the subject that people around me always bring up about is marriage. I find this intimidating in a way.

I used to look around for cute looking boys ( that was like about 10 years ago ). I thought how sweet it would be to be in love, getting flowers and kisses. It was like a fairytale of some sort. That was how I perceived it. And yes, I did went out for some casual dates of which all of them lasted just one date.

Problem did not lie on the boys. Each of them was nice. Decent. And of course, in between, there were some jerks too ( of which I left breakfast or lunch or coffee session even before saying my goodbye ). And slowly that boils down to the fact that I do have my own ideal partner in mind ( at least that is what I thought at that moment ).

Now, 10 years later, I do not have the urge to even ask someone for a date. Basically, I no longer have the courage and yes, bother much about it. Funny how this turned out. Really it does.

Looks is no longer something I look into. As I grow older, what counts really the personality, attitude and also the person's life principle as well as beliefs. I could have revealed more. But, then again, should I?

Cancer Support Group

I did not know that FGA has a support group for cancer patients to support each other physically, emotionally and spiritually until my granny's passing. I was told that the group is still new; about a year old.

Some months ago, I went to this support group right after contacting the late sister Sharon Yap who was a pancreatic cancer stage 4 patient herself. There were about a few calls before meeting her in real person for the first during the second Sunday service around the month of March.

To me, a cancer patient can be easily recognised with its physical appearance. Pale and extremely thin. Patients who are able to walk are normally walking in a very careful walking posture.

I have so far, attended  one meeting with the support group, consisting cancer patients of all types - breast cancer, colon cancer, pancreatic cancer and liver cancer. My emotions are a mixture of both sadness and also fear.

I cannot even tell if it is the sadness and fear of my own situation or the heart that pours out to those patients and also caregivers. Maybe both. There are a small number who are survivors. They shared not just the gospel but also the feelings and also struggles they have to go through.

The coming meeting shall be on June 14. I do not know how I will be feeling. As for now, I can fairly say I am slowly picking up the remnants of my life after granny's passing.

I love you, Granny...

Letter to Granny. no. 5

Dear Granny,

I felt guilty. I thought I have plans for my future. Really I did. And when the time comes, as where I am now and that you are no longer by my side, I felt lost. I begin to question a lot of things in my life and even my existence.

Things that matters to me are no longer things I once thought it matters. Basically, it is like pieces of broken glasses. Transparent and empty. Not that it is not there. It is. The only thing is that it is transparent. I think you get what I mean. You know me the best...

I can deal with the fact I am where I am now. Though there are times where the most painful feeling; which was to see you in much pain and I could not do a thing to lighten your pain. The pictures are still in my head. It cemented so well that I find it something very scary to even think about.

The strength I gain from you was when I see you persevere to the very end of your breath. I lose you but I also gain you. You know well what I mean, Granny. It does not matter what the others will say. The only thing that matters to me is to earn my way to heaven and be with you again. That is all that matters.

For now, the only thing that really bothers me and also deter me from moving on with my life and my promise to you is the true meaning of life. I do not understand what life is. I feel empty without you. It seems my life is your life. And that is one set of life itself.

I miss you so much...

Missing you still,

Aby

Old Happy Memory I Jotted Down of Granny

I was going through my work desk which are always occupied by books, pencils, beads and papers, for a notebook which I remember I bought some one year ago. I never make good use of it.

Here is what I wrote in pencil :-

February 24th, 2013 ( Sunday )
Popo went to church for the second time; right after her first visit to FGA on the first day of Chinese New Year.

Praise the Lord! My Heavenly Father knows my heart desire and He heard my prayer!

May You, my dear Father in Heaven guide me to share the gospel with her!

I love you, Lord! Amen!

That was a wonderful feeling. And I wonder how can I ever forgotten this piece of important memory. I was truly glad that she came as it was not an easy task to persuade her to go to church with me.

Despite the stressful thought of single-handedly manning her myself and my car, I was still glad that she was willing to come. That was all I need and I can say the only feeling that kept me assured that someday she would be willing to be baptized.

I could have never gotten her baptized without Alice, Pastor Paul Cheong, Pastor Rose and Sister Mui Che of Grace Assembly Church. All of them are my angels and I can never ever imagine that God has sent them to me to save granny.

I am truly grateful... In so many ways, I do. I love you. Each and everyone of you.

My First Order After Granny's Passing

Customized order by Echo's friend

Somehow and someway I need to move on. Life just have to go on, isn't it?

Thank you to both Echo and her friend for being patient with me. Could not thank you enough. Customers like this that keeps you go on. And for that I am forever grateful to them.

I had posted up more photos of this bracelet which customized specially for a special girl out there. You got good friends, young lady :)

Facebook :  My Beads and Charms Closet @ Facebook
Blog :  My Beads and Charms Closet @ Wordpress

Do Your Work Well and Don’t Compare

The thought if I ever do a good like with things I am passionate about has always hit my mind. Say for example, I was browsing through the web and saw this artist did such marvellous job. Looking into his or her profile, I found out that he/she was the same age as I do.

I went all envious and also dive into self pitying. Not a feeling or attitude to have. Attitude and feelings like this will eventually eat you up. And so I learn. Rick Warren shared in today's lesson today. And according to his sharing, there are TWO reasons why you should not compare :-

1. There is always someone better than you. And with this you are likely to be discouraged.
2. There is always someone who is not as good as you. And the result is that you will end up being prideful.

In life, I learned that being the best of what you do is a good thing. But, always remember, the gift or gifts we have does not belong to us. It belongs to Him and we, as His children, we are to glorify Him with our gift(s).

Honour him by returning the gift(s) we have by blessing others who need our help.

“Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of.
But don’t compare yourself with others.” (Galatians 6:4 CEV)

Old Photo of Granny no. 1

An old photo I found on granny

While tidying up the store room today, I found an old photo of granny...

Letter to Granny. no. 4

Dear Granny,

All I have to say...I miss you badly...

At times I wished you were here. The last 2 to 3 years, we both knew it was not easy. I was mad at you for a lot of things which I could not even tolerate when I should and at times, troubled me.

I did worry about you. All the while, I did. I told my friends of how I looked at things and how I wished I could this and that. The list can go on. But, it all summed up to one thing - I just want you to stay healthy.

The last thing I ever wanted is to see you suffer. Little did I know, you were suffering badly and I could not do much. Your stubborn-ness really drove me above the wall. Many times, I told myself that I did not want to be like you when I get old. Truth is, I am becoming more like you. I inherit some traits of which I really dislike that you had - being really strong headed.

Looking back, now, at present, it is not a terrible trait. It is really how one perceive it. And for me, I just miss those times we had arguing over petty things.

I miss you so much and no words can ever explain.

Till we meet in Heaven, Granny...

Love you, 

ABY

Paul Wilbur's Concert & Sunday Service

Sunday service on May 11th, 2014 at Grace Assembly, Petaling Jaya

Thanks to Alice!

Letter to Granny no. 3

Forever in loving memory - Loh Yet Wah

Dear Granny,

Today is a public holiday. I have done with some minor chores and even lunch. Had this wonderfully delicious Sibu instant Kampua brought by a loving friend from Sibu. The young chap is such a wonderful fella that you cannot resist talking to. Has such a wonderful soul in him.

Like every other public holiday or weekend, in the morning, I made my way for breakfast. We used to hang about in the village where I grew up. So many things have changed and more development coming under way. I personally do not like the new developed look. 

Remember the time you fell off the bicycle one fine afternoon after coming home from the sundry shop? You were angry. And the young me, being rebellious, answered that it was not my fault. Which is true and you knew that and that was why you did not scold me further. Or else, I would have been scolded. You would never punish me, that is for sure ( smiling ).

The house we used to stay ( where you fell off the bicycle ) is now turned to an internet cafe. I showed you before while we drove by. I do not know if you recognized it. But, yes. All are memories now. The orange gate is now painted in red ( like I showed you ).

I wished I had the money to buy that house. So much wonderful memories we had. Good ones.

Love you and missing you much always and forever.

Love,

Aby

God Gives You Abilities to Help Others

I just got myself to subscribe to Rick Warren's Daily Hope. Today's e-mail comes in at a time where I think it is most suitable. And I am glad, despite my utmost sleepiness, I still will want to read. As all my Sisters told me, I should have a hunger towards God's words. And I shall cultivate the hunger for it always.

I always question my abilities. Most of the time, hesitation takes over me and I was living in a time where I did not know myself and what I am able to do. Not just for myself. No longer is the priority. It is more of what I can do for others with the best of my abilities.

Rick's message today has three questions which he encouraged me to think and if possible I will really want to talk this over with a much matured Brother or Sister :-

• How are you using your God-given abilities to help others?
• What is God calling you to do that you’ve thought you were not qualified to do?
• How can you encourage other people in your small group, church, or community of believers to serve in ministry?

At some point, I know answers to all three questions.

“Now you belong to him who was raised from death in order that we might be useful in the service of God.” (Romans 7:4b TEV)

Letter to Granny no. 2

Dear Granny,

I got myself caught in heavy rain this evening. Been raining heavily for the past one month or so. But, this is a blessing compare to the past two months where there was water rationing.

SYABAS may resume to water rationing if the water level in the dam went to critical condition in a couple of weeks. The hot season will come the way next month. Will not be pleasant for everyone in the city.

If you were here, you would be complaining of the unbearable heat. I Although doing laundry is no longer a concern for me compare to when you were around, I still find comfort in washing your cardigans, which you never like to wear. I treasure those cardigans as they are really vintage pieces and I grow to love vintage clothes and also furniture as well as decors.

Yes, like Mummy and yourself ( as much as you did not like it ), I also inherit the one thing which Papa finds it a tremendous headache - hoarding. Believe it or not, I kind of like the idea of it. 

Good night, Granny.

P/S : Granny, I like this photo of your's. You looked adorable.

Love you always,

Aby

Letter to Granny

Dear Granny, 

I am home late again like when you were around. It is almost 3 months that you went to Heaven. And I am still adapting to this life without you. The first few weeks were tough. I have to struggle with my own emotional feeling, knowing that you will never return again.

I wish I could turn back time. Turned it back and spend more time with you. Get back from work early and spend time with you. But, I did not. I could not stand the stresses that came along in looking after you. I spent longer hours in office, escaping from you. Cruel indeed. 

When I was in office, I could only think about you. Despite my colleague's advice, urging me to get home and spend time with you, I had never listened.

How much I regret not spending time with you... I could never understand you and it dawn to me that I did not even understand myself neither at that point of time. To think about it further, I think I was very selfish.

I wish... I could turn back time...

I make a point to write letters to you. Letting you know how I am doing. Crazy as it may sound. I believe the angels will translate the letters I am about to write to you in Cantonese.

Remember that you said to me in the hospital that I need to live and behave well when you are no longer around? I will. For you, for God and for myself, I will. 

I wonder if you have met Mummy now. How is she doing? I wished I can hear you. Or maybe meet you and Mummy in my dreams someday. I used to dream of Mummy every now and then. Sometimes I remember my dreams and sometimes I do not. 

Strange, I never dream of you...yet. I do hope to see you in my dreams. A friend told me that when I am very assured of your place in Heaven, I shall not dream of you. 

Those that have dreams mean that the family member who is left behind wants an assurance for their loved ones who has passed on to have a place in Heaven.

I am assured that you are in Heaven. For me, to meet you in my dreams is like having that one split moment of when you were alive and I came come to see you there in the living room to welcome me home; like you always did.

I miss you, granny... I shall write to you again. Take care.

              Love you always,

Aby

The Piano & The Ballerina

A Scene from The Piano & The Ballerina from Samuel Curtis on Vimeo.

The Two Yellow Flowers

I never come along in tidying up the store room for almost 3 months. The idea of it really frightens me as I do not want to end up crying while tidying up. At the same time, the idea of having dad to tidy it up is also tough as I do not want him to throw away granny's belongings.

And so I told him that I will do the cleaning up. I bought two large yellow flowers which I have no idea that it is. It looks really beautiful to be placed next to granny's portraiture.

As a kid, I never came to understand why ladies love flowers so much. Now I do. Maybe I have a personal reason of my own of which differs to others. Mine, solely because I love the liveliness it brings to the atmosphere around me. The rest may likely be the beauty and also feminism it brings.

Whatever the reason it might be, I love to have some liveliness in the living room.. I need it.

Wise Words from Granny

A-Model Romance from ora on Vimeo.

The weekend passes by quietly. Another 11 days, it will be the third month where granny has left me for heaven. 

I looked back at a lot of memories I had with granny. Many. There is not a day that passes by that I never think about her. At one point of a time, I completely forgot that she is not around any more and all I wanted to tell her when I got back from work was that I brought home some chocolates.

And whenever I miss her, I will buy myself a McDonald's strawberry sundae to eat. That was her favourite. Whenever I need a quick fix of my emotion, I will get the strawberry sundae. I remembered the time when I was so emotionally down that I walked to McDonald during office hour, to nurse my broken heart.

Whenever I get upset about the people who disrespect me at work, I will always think about her comforting words " You have done the best of your ability. Words won't kill you, ".

Wise words from her always ringing in my head. Wise, wise advice you gave me, granny. Love you.

Packing Granny's Clothes

It was a moment I know it will be an emotional one - packing up granny's clothes in the red suitcase which I used to packed her clothes to the hospital. I cried as I fold her clothes and snugged it nicely into the suitcase.

The heart pain was beyond words could described. A feeling that I cannot even comprehend.

Her Voice, Her Skin & Her Eyes

One of the loving moments I had with Granny

It is almost 7 weeks...2 months to be precise, since Granny's passing. There are tears. Wonderful memories. I still can remember how she sounds like when she talked. How her skin felt...

A friend told me that as time passes, most of us will forget how our loved ones sound like, skin felt like and even how their eyes looked like. And honestly, those words kills me slowly...

I know that even before she told me. Reason being, I can not recall my childhood memories I have with her...And it breaks my heart...entirely...

Missing Granny Dearly

Photo taken on January 11th, 2014 ( a month before her passing )

There is not a day that passes by that I never think about you...

I Miss So Much, Granny...

My granny & I

Loh Yet Wah, my granny, passed away peacefully on February 11th, 2014.