Missing Her Badly

Photo taken in year 2011

It is one of those moments I have where I miss her terribly. I wished I could tell how much I miss her. As in measuring your love for someone dear to your heart. 

The past few weeks, the thoughts of her was lingering in my head. I could walk pass you with wet eyes and sometimes tears strolling down my cheeks. I tried taking of the last and tough memories I have of her. But, it seems those last memories I have are the most vivid ones. 

I wonder if I ever lost more memories of her. Be it good or bad, I cherish them... The fear of losing the memory of her voice even scares me. Honestly, I do afraid of forgetting her voice. 

Letter to Granny no. 6

Dearest Granny,

I made things for all the wrong reason this time around...again. And this time, I do not know if my 'want' is something worth sacrificing for as it got me to where I am now - tremendous physical, emotional and mental pain. My OA has progressed a step further...

I wished you were here to laugh at me for being such an ' old lady '. You used to laughed at the fact that my knees are much weaker than your's. I could not agree more. This time, no one can help me. No doctors can, I suppose.

The last thing I ever want now is more pills. Enough is enough. The pills and pain has to go. And my cartilage and patellas have to return to its original state. I cannot bear seeing myself popping pills for the rest of my life and risking my kidneys.

My intention was so wrong. But, I am not blaming anyone but myself. Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to salvage my health. I have seen pain. Pain of all types. There could be more. But, I do not think I can take any more by just seeing people in pain. Any pain can test a human's faith. And faith is all I ever wanted in my years to come till I meet the Lord.

Granny... you are right about all the things you told me before. Many things. And I shall remember. Though some does not make sense to me now. I know someday it will. As for now, I shall remember.

I decided not to belittle myself and choose to move on and carry the best of you in me till I see you again in Heaven. I choose to make the best whatever remaining life I have here. So, many things about you that I did not understand. But, now I do. It is never too late even now.

You were right. Right that no one can love me unless I learn to love myself. That is the core thing in life that every human has to know and appreciate. Never know the depth of this advice you have given me until I was put to test.

Again, I think, I failed. And this is where I am now. In pain. My conscience know well that the person is not to be blamed but mine alone. I wished the person responded the way I hoped. I hoped too much instead. It backfired.

Now, I learned to hold on to whatever I know or feel...

Granny, I miss you and I hope I can have a strong faith that can surpasses all challenges in life like you did with yours. You are a very brave and strong woman and I am so proud to have meet you here on earth. I shall see you in Heaven!

Your grand kid,

Aby  

Vivid Image of Granny Appeared

Something incredible happened to me a few nights ago.

It has been more than a week when I started sleeping in the living room. The same DIY bed where my granny used to sleep. A place where I felt so belong. So secure. So loved.

There were nights where I lie down and tears started to flow freely from my eyes. Memories of my granny came back to me. I dare not look at the photos I took of granny for fear of breaking down and crying myself to sleep.

Funny. I mean I used to be able to  see those photos without fear of crying. But, now I do. Why? I do not know still.

And like any other night, I looked up to the ceiling and wondered away with the day's activities which I did. I fell asleep within minutes. Every few hours I would wake up to check on the main door and my surroundings.

I still have this feeling where I got up and be looking around as though things were not in place and I felt insecure if I left out something which required my attention. I doze back to sleep in seconds.

And while in the midst of ...maybe sleeping and dreaming, I felt this sudden warmness that sweeps through my body. Despite the ultimately hot weather, I felt as though the temperature was just right for me. I opened my eyes, enough to peek through my eyelids. And it was that moment I saw a vivid picture of granny standing in front of me.

I was at eased and secured like a kid. I could not make myself say a word to her and immediately fell asleep again. Suppose the medication I took was too strong and it was impossible to fight awake.

Granny, I wish to see you again.

Cancer Support Group

I did not know that FGA has a support group for cancer patients to support each other physically, emotionally and spiritually until my granny's passing. I was told that the group is still new; about a year old.

Some months ago, I went to this support group right after contacting the late sister Sharon Yap who was a pancreatic cancer stage 4 patient herself. There were about a few calls before meeting her in real person for the first during the second Sunday service around the month of March.

To me, a cancer patient can be easily recognised with its physical appearance. Pale and extremely thin. Patients who are able to walk are normally walking in a very careful walking posture.

I have so far, attended  one meeting with the support group, consisting cancer patients of all types - breast cancer, colon cancer, pancreatic cancer and liver cancer. My emotions are a mixture of both sadness and also fear.

I cannot even tell if it is the sadness and fear of my own situation or the heart that pours out to those patients and also caregivers. Maybe both. There are a small number who are survivors. They shared not just the gospel but also the feelings and also struggles they have to go through.

The coming meeting shall be on June 14. I do not know how I will be feeling. As for now, I can fairly say I am slowly picking up the remnants of my life after granny's passing.

I love you, Granny...

Letter to Granny. no. 5

Dear Granny,

I felt guilty. I thought I have plans for my future. Really I did. And when the time comes, as where I am now and that you are no longer by my side, I felt lost. I begin to question a lot of things in my life and even my existence.

Things that matters to me are no longer things I once thought it matters. Basically, it is like pieces of broken glasses. Transparent and empty. Not that it is not there. It is. The only thing is that it is transparent. I think you get what I mean. You know me the best...

I can deal with the fact I am where I am now. Though there are times where the most painful feeling; which was to see you in much pain and I could not do a thing to lighten your pain. The pictures are still in my head. It cemented so well that I find it something very scary to even think about.

The strength I gain from you was when I see you persevere to the very end of your breath. I lose you but I also gain you. You know well what I mean, Granny. It does not matter what the others will say. The only thing that matters to me is to earn my way to heaven and be with you again. That is all that matters.

For now, the only thing that really bothers me and also deter me from moving on with my life and my promise to you is the true meaning of life. I do not understand what life is. I feel empty without you. It seems my life is your life. And that is one set of life itself.

I miss you so much...

Missing you still,

Aby

Old Happy Memory I Jotted Down of Granny

I was going through my work desk which are always occupied by books, pencils, beads and papers, for a notebook which I remember I bought some one year ago. I never make good use of it.

Here is what I wrote in pencil :-

February 24th, 2013 ( Sunday )
Popo went to church for the second time; right after her first visit to FGA on the first day of Chinese New Year.

Praise the Lord! My Heavenly Father knows my heart desire and He heard my prayer!

May You, my dear Father in Heaven guide me to share the gospel with her!

I love you, Lord! Amen!

That was a wonderful feeling. And I wonder how can I ever forgotten this piece of important memory. I was truly glad that she came as it was not an easy task to persuade her to go to church with me.

Despite the stressful thought of single-handedly manning her myself and my car, I was still glad that she was willing to come. That was all I need and I can say the only feeling that kept me assured that someday she would be willing to be baptized.

I could have never gotten her baptized without Alice, Pastor Paul Cheong, Pastor Rose and Sister Mui Che of Grace Assembly Church. All of them are my angels and I can never ever imagine that God has sent them to me to save granny.

I am truly grateful... In so many ways, I do. I love you. Each and everyone of you.

Old Photo of Granny no. 1

An old photo I found on granny

While tidying up the store room today, I found an old photo of granny...

Letter to Granny. no. 4

Dear Granny,

All I have to say...I miss you badly...

At times I wished you were here. The last 2 to 3 years, we both knew it was not easy. I was mad at you for a lot of things which I could not even tolerate when I should and at times, troubled me.

I did worry about you. All the while, I did. I told my friends of how I looked at things and how I wished I could this and that. The list can go on. But, it all summed up to one thing - I just want you to stay healthy.

The last thing I ever wanted is to see you suffer. Little did I know, you were suffering badly and I could not do much. Your stubborn-ness really drove me above the wall. Many times, I told myself that I did not want to be like you when I get old. Truth is, I am becoming more like you. I inherit some traits of which I really dislike that you had - being really strong headed.

Looking back, now, at present, it is not a terrible trait. It is really how one perceive it. And for me, I just miss those times we had arguing over petty things.

I miss you so much and no words can ever explain.

Till we meet in Heaven, Granny...

Love you, 

ABY

Letter to Granny no. 3

Forever in loving memory - Loh Yet Wah

Dear Granny,

Today is a public holiday. I have done with some minor chores and even lunch. Had this wonderfully delicious Sibu instant Kampua brought by a loving friend from Sibu. The young chap is such a wonderful fella that you cannot resist talking to. Has such a wonderful soul in him.

Like every other public holiday or weekend, in the morning, I made my way for breakfast. We used to hang about in the village where I grew up. So many things have changed and more development coming under way. I personally do not like the new developed look. 

Remember the time you fell off the bicycle one fine afternoon after coming home from the sundry shop? You were angry. And the young me, being rebellious, answered that it was not my fault. Which is true and you knew that and that was why you did not scold me further. Or else, I would have been scolded. You would never punish me, that is for sure ( smiling ).

The house we used to stay ( where you fell off the bicycle ) is now turned to an internet cafe. I showed you before while we drove by. I do not know if you recognized it. But, yes. All are memories now. The orange gate is now painted in red ( like I showed you ).

I wished I had the money to buy that house. So much wonderful memories we had. Good ones.

Love you and missing you much always and forever.

Love,

Aby

Letter to Granny no. 2

Dear Granny,

I got myself caught in heavy rain this evening. Been raining heavily for the past one month or so. But, this is a blessing compare to the past two months where there was water rationing.

SYABAS may resume to water rationing if the water level in the dam went to critical condition in a couple of weeks. The hot season will come the way next month. Will not be pleasant for everyone in the city.

If you were here, you would be complaining of the unbearable heat. I Although doing laundry is no longer a concern for me compare to when you were around, I still find comfort in washing your cardigans, which you never like to wear. I treasure those cardigans as they are really vintage pieces and I grow to love vintage clothes and also furniture as well as decors.

Yes, like Mummy and yourself ( as much as you did not like it ), I also inherit the one thing which Papa finds it a tremendous headache - hoarding. Believe it or not, I kind of like the idea of it. 

Good night, Granny.

P/S : Granny, I like this photo of your's. You looked adorable.

Love you always,

Aby

Letter to Granny

Dear Granny, 

I am home late again like when you were around. It is almost 3 months that you went to Heaven. And I am still adapting to this life without you. The first few weeks were tough. I have to struggle with my own emotional feeling, knowing that you will never return again.

I wish I could turn back time. Turned it back and spend more time with you. Get back from work early and spend time with you. But, I did not. I could not stand the stresses that came along in looking after you. I spent longer hours in office, escaping from you. Cruel indeed. 

When I was in office, I could only think about you. Despite my colleague's advice, urging me to get home and spend time with you, I had never listened.

How much I regret not spending time with you... I could never understand you and it dawn to me that I did not even understand myself neither at that point of time. To think about it further, I think I was very selfish.

I wish... I could turn back time...

I make a point to write letters to you. Letting you know how I am doing. Crazy as it may sound. I believe the angels will translate the letters I am about to write to you in Cantonese.

Remember that you said to me in the hospital that I need to live and behave well when you are no longer around? I will. For you, for God and for myself, I will. 

I wonder if you have met Mummy now. How is she doing? I wished I can hear you. Or maybe meet you and Mummy in my dreams someday. I used to dream of Mummy every now and then. Sometimes I remember my dreams and sometimes I do not. 

Strange, I never dream of you...yet. I do hope to see you in my dreams. A friend told me that when I am very assured of your place in Heaven, I shall not dream of you. 

Those that have dreams mean that the family member who is left behind wants an assurance for their loved ones who has passed on to have a place in Heaven.

I am assured that you are in Heaven. For me, to meet you in my dreams is like having that one split moment of when you were alive and I came come to see you there in the living room to welcome me home; like you always did.

I miss you, granny... I shall write to you again. Take care.

              Love you always,

Aby

Wise Words from Granny

A-Model Romance from ora on Vimeo.

The weekend passes by quietly. Another 11 days, it will be the third month where granny has left me for heaven. 

I looked back at a lot of memories I had with granny. Many. There is not a day that passes by that I never think about her. At one point of a time, I completely forgot that she is not around any more and all I wanted to tell her when I got back from work was that I brought home some chocolates.

And whenever I miss her, I will buy myself a McDonald's strawberry sundae to eat. That was her favourite. Whenever I need a quick fix of my emotion, I will get the strawberry sundae. I remembered the time when I was so emotionally down that I walked to McDonald during office hour, to nurse my broken heart.

Whenever I get upset about the people who disrespect me at work, I will always think about her comforting words " You have done the best of your ability. Words won't kill you, ".

Wise words from her always ringing in my head. Wise, wise advice you gave me, granny. Love you.

Her Voice, Her Skin & Her Eyes

One of the loving moments I had with Granny

It is almost 7 weeks...2 months to be precise, since Granny's passing. There are tears. Wonderful memories. I still can remember how she sounds like when she talked. How her skin felt...

A friend told me that as time passes, most of us will forget how our loved ones sound like, skin felt like and even how their eyes looked like. And honestly, those words kills me slowly...

I know that even before she told me. Reason being, I can not recall my childhood memories I have with her...And it breaks my heart...entirely...

Missing Granny Dearly

Photo taken on January 11th, 2014 ( a month before her passing )

There is not a day that passes by that I never think about you...

I Miss So Much, Granny...

My granny & I

Loh Yet Wah, my granny, passed away peacefully on February 11th, 2014.