I made things for all the wrong reason this time around...again. And this time, I do not know if my 'want' is something worth sacrificing for as it got me to where I am now - tremendous physical, emotional and mental pain. My OA has progressed a step further...
I wished you were here to laugh at me for being such an ' old lady '. You used to laughed at the fact that my knees are much weaker than your's. I could not agree more. This time, no one can help me. No doctors can, I suppose.
The last thing I ever want now is more pills. Enough is enough. The pills and pain has to go. And my cartilage and patellas have to return to its original state. I cannot bear seeing myself popping pills for the rest of my life and risking my kidneys.
My intention was so wrong. But, I am not blaming anyone but myself. Sometimes I wonder if it is too late for me to salvage my health. I have seen pain. Pain of all types. There could be more. But, I do not think I can take any more by just seeing people in pain. Any pain can test a human's faith. And faith is all I ever wanted in my years to come till I meet the Lord.
Granny... you are right about all the things you told me before. Many things. And I shall remember. Though some does not make sense to me now. I know someday it will. As for now, I shall remember.
I decided not to belittle myself and choose to move on and carry the best of you in me till I see you again in Heaven. I choose to make the best whatever remaining life I have here. So, many things about you that I did not understand. But, now I do. It is never too late even now.
You were right. Right that no one can love me unless I learn to love myself. That is the core thing in life that every human has to know and appreciate. Never know the depth of this advice you have given me until I was put to test.
Again, I think, I failed. And this is where I am now. In pain. My conscience know well that the person is not to be blamed but mine alone. I wished the person responded the way I hoped. I hoped too much instead. It backfired.
Now, I learned to hold on to whatever I know or feel...
Granny, I miss you and I hope I can have a strong faith that can surpasses all challenges in life like you did with yours. You are a very brave and strong woman and I am so proud to have meet you here on earth. I shall see you in Heaven!
Your grand kid,
Aby
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