Entanglement of Feelings

It was a tough week for me. Tough. The only word I can describe about my feeling. I missed Granny terribly. Sometimes it feels like it just happened.

Two weeks ago, I felt as though the world was against me. Everything seemed so not right. From the way people drove their cars to even the way people walked. The entanglement of feelings was something I dreaded yet hard to avoid.

Glimpses of Granny last few days was really unbearable for me. I have no one to talk about my feeling because I know none of them can help me in dealing with my feelings. The amount of guilt inside me is like surging waves of fire. I cannot bring myself in telling them how I feel.

Days ago, I poured myself to the bible. Worries over my knees due to the advanced condition of osteoarthritis and also guilt over the passing of Granny, I needed the Lord so terribly. The Lord sent me to 2 Samuel 22:1-20

1 David sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. 
2 He said: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
3 my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior-- from violent men you save me. 
4 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. 
5 "The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 
6 The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. 
7 In my distress I called to the LORD; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears. 
8 "The earth trembled and quaked,the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry. 
9 Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. 
10 He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. 
11 He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. 
12 He made darkness his canopy around him-- the darkrain clouds of the sky. 
13 Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth. 
14The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. 
15 He shot arrowsand scattered [the enemies], bolts of lightning and routed them. 
16 The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the LORD, at the blast of breath from his nostrils. 
17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. 
18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. 
19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. 
20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I could not make out why He sent me this verses. But, somehow, some way, I was relieved. Maybe this is what people call it comfort.

I do feel like crying sometimes. And I just did. I know Granny will never return. I know she is in better place. I know she is in Heaven. But, I miss her terribly. I could have spend more time with her. I could have treat her better. I could have been a much better grand daughter.

The last words she said to me was her disappointment with me in term of treating her. I can never turn back time. I do not mean to block away God's blessing for me by not accepting his blessing or even grace. I just cannot forgive myself...