Fear Resurface

I have mixture of feelings today. My morning was greeted with heartbreaks. Later part of the day, a comment made by a male patient sunk deep into my thoughts.

It bothers me a couple of days and I could not get it off my mind that I approached the senior therapist. Then it comes into my realization that " Hello! Roslyn! As if you didn't know! You knew and what are these all about? "

Yes, I did read about my condition. Now that I am " repaired ", like what a friend said, God is giving me a second chance in life. I am grateful for this. I truly do. And this is why I did and will continue do all I can so that I would not have any regrets.

Words are so powerful that it can either bring one up or down. And I cannot believe that I was defeated with simply a line of sentence.

This Saturday, while most people be away for the long break, I will make a visit to the doctor's clinic to get myself inspected and obtain green light to go back to work next week. However, me being my own doctor and a patient, all at the same time, I think I am good to go back to work.

The boys in the office will definitely be glad to have me back. In a way, I do too. The idea of a messy desk, however, is less of the ideal picture. And yes, someone is going to get some serious lecture from me when it comes to tidiness. 

Family Photos

One for the Album

The Inconveniences

One thing about having to hold a pair of elbow clutches is that when it rain, you got to choose between walking in the rain or stay put in the car. And I choosed to stay in the car and... of course catch some sleep.

This is one of the inconveniences I faced. I have yet to take into count the inconveniences of :

1. Doing groceries shopping (which I did before with got the rehab centre's receptionist telling the therapists. Happened when I was in my 5th week of recovery)

2. Walking on wet surface (I almost slip and fell a couple times)

3. Carrying a bag (struggling to bring minimal stuffs)

4. Picking up things which are on the floor (it helps a lot when you have a flexible body unlike me. But, after countless times attempts of picking things up for myself, I think I am getting slightly flexible)

Lunch @ PJ Section 2

Be INSPIRED

I may not know where my destiny is. But, i do know my goal in what I am going through now.

Attending physiotherapy sessions are easy. Enduring the pain is a different set of story. Nothing compares to the day when the doctor told me to get off the bed for the very first time after the surgery. I can never forget the pain I endured. Only God knows. My cries were heard by Him. Honestly, I can never go through what I went through without Him.

The remaining process is to build back the strength and to constantly be inspired by things and people around me. I have quite a long journey for recovery. A long journey to sustain the recovery period. A very long journey to keep everything intact and working well.

As I am recovering, I wonder where my life is leading. I know all happened for a reason. I questioned things like what all this is actually about, my callings and stuffs. The list goes on.

Some people has been asking me how I can sustain or go through this. Seriously, prayers the answer. I pray and somehow I have the energy to go through all these. I am nothing without Him. Think I can go through this alone? No way.

I tried my level best to be inspired. Apart from the people around me and people I come to know along the course of recovery and pre surgery, I watch a lot of videos that are inspiring, to remind me that I need to press on and that I have to press on.

And the video like this one is one of them.

It Ain't Funny, Doc!

On 10th April, I did a follow-up with doctor. I was about to sit myself down on the bed for him to inspect my knees when he sat on the other side of his office and told me to walk without my elbow clutch.

My eyes the size of sesame seeds went bigger.

Doc : Don't tell me you didn't curi-curi walk without clutches before...

Me : ( still looking at him surprised ).. I...

Doc : Small steps. Don't tell me you didn't...

Me : Yes, I did but...

Doc : Good. I know one! So, now... walk for me! Do some catwalks. Three rounds. I want to see.

And I walked.

Doc : Eh! Why so fast?!

Me : Why?! Why?! Wrong? Am I doing this wrong?! ( panic stricken )

Doc : No (smiling). No... not wrong. Continue walking.

Me : ( in my mind was " Apalah! Buat suspend orang je ... )

Doc : You know what? You walked as though you just kena sunat. And only thing missing here is the sarong...

Me : ( This ain't fun I am tellig ya... ) Muscles still weak. What do you expect, doc? My knees can suddenly gaveway and I might end up in the OT...

Doc : ( still teasing me about the way I walked and told it to the nurse who was watching too )

Me : ( This ain't fun... ) I am serious, doc...

Doc : You're progressing and your right leg will be a strong leg like I told you before.

Me : You fixed me and you know better than I know my knees. So long I do my part (physiotherapy).

Doc : Okay. You can wear your shoes.

Me : ( Obviously he forgot the challenge he threw at me two weeks ago ) That's all?

Doc : Yes.

Me : ( Adjusting my seat next to him ) Obviously you forgot.

Doc : What did I forget?

Me : Wait. You'll see.

Doc : See what?

Me : You will see. Wait.

Doc : What is it?

Me : Patience, doc. Patience...( Still adjusting my seat )

Then I stood up from the chair without my hands supporting myself. Doctor went amazed. Took a seat back.

Doc : Do it again! (All excited)

Me : Haiya... Again...

And I did it again.

Doc : Great! In three weeks time, I want to see you stand on one leg and hold for a minute.

Me : Huh?! (Aiyooo... why la I reminded him of the challenge?!?!)

Doc : Yup.

Me : I regret of reminding you. Next time I won't.

Doc : Next time you won't need to cos I am writing this down.

Me : ( Me and my big mouth -__- )

First Time Driving After Surgery

Yeah! I am driving! I can drive!

Leaving Nursing Home for Home Soon

The therapists have given me the green light to drive. And that was last week with the condition of driving between 50 to 60 km per hour. City driving speed. And I have yet to drive my own car even when Julie drove my car yesterday. She did not allow it.

Today I got a double nod since therapists had upgraded the type of exercises. Doing well despite pain. There are some certain part of the thighs which are still in pain when contracted. But, hey! At least it is contracting better than weeks before.

I will be leaving the nursing home for home this weekend. Am certainly going to miss the folks here. Some of them may not remember me any more once i left. But, it does not matter. I do. And that all matters to me.

I have gained way lots of good experiences here in this nursing home. And it makes me realized that I need to do something about myself and my life. Things that I only know. Things that will make me see life in a very mature way. Things that really reflect life itself.

Truly grateful to be where I am now. This is where I stayed for the past 5 weeks.

Aftermath of Mini Roller

Ouch!

I underwent four hour long physiotherapy today. Tired as always. However, there are good results. No pain. No gain.

This is the aftermath of the mini roller.

Speaking from Experience

I noticed some improvement with my knees. Lesser pain to the knees each time I lift up my legs from the floor to the bed and vice versa.

Had a tiring session yesterday with solid 4 hours of physiotherapy. Today is a lighter one. Never a session where I would miss out SLR as it is the toughest form of exercise for me. The soreness and pain and struggles in contracting and locking my knees and ankles in lifting it up.

Boon was right. Days do passed by quickly when you have physiotherapy sessions about half the day. Fighting pain and also gritting your way through with some exercises in order to give the good ol' wake to the weak muscles.

I skipped lunch at nursing home and ate nasi lemak with rendang ayam today. Uber my way back to nursing home in a Viva. Got to remind myself not to head home immediately after physiotherapy if the time coincide with lunch hour. Traffic was bad.

Was looking back at photos of the day I was in hospital. Reminded me of a lot of things which happened. It feels like as though it happened just yesterday. Should I say " What a journey it has been.. "? Maybe it is way too early to say so.

Sitting comfortably on the bed now, I asked myself if I would want to be where I am in another year time. I asked myself if I should take a leap of faith and listen to the wisdom of many of my close friends. I think I should. No... not I think. I should. That is the right word.

Doc, and now you know...

Mini cycling

Doing cycling to even out the fluid in my knees after injection. I am grateful that I have lesser swelling this time. And best thing is, this is my last round of injections. Halleluyah!

Doc seems pleased with my progressed. Gave me another challenge - to stand up without hand support and he would want to see that in two weeks time when i go for follow up.

He did not advice me to play badminton and basketball in future. A price I have to pay with chondral injuries I had. As sad as this might sound, this is a fact... as for now. Hehe...

On the other hand, I am encouraged for squash, tennis and ping pong. Will consider about this ya, doc.

Kept reminding me that my right leg would be the stronger leg despite the challenges I faced with it.

And yes, he still teased about me staying in a nursing home. Haha. I was surprised that he spared some of his time to hear me out and how I can have a mind to be able to stay with a number of folks.

Doc, now you know why...

" Now I know you have high pain threshold...it is in the blood..., " he said.

I do not know if I should be proud of this. All I know is this is the last surgery I ever need to go through in my life!

Miracles & Glory to God

Right after surgery

Up and about in a couple days time!

Cannot believe that today has been 17 days after the surgery. I have started to use elbow clutch as per therapists advice.

I would not forget the day when doc told me to put my legs down from the bed. Most painful moment. It was the 15th days of Chinese New Year. Customarily, a day where young ladies and young chaps would find love.

I, on the other hand, on the day itself, made a call to one of my beloved therapists and cried my heart out, despite being told of the possible temporary complications and battling not just physical pain but emotional pain as well.

The day I was tested was the day I cried to one of my closest friend, over the phone, that I could not withstand the pain and to God that it is too much to bear. There is so much painkillers could do. The rest, as they said and I believed, is that I need to overcome.

As nerve wrecking as it was, I took those painful steps. Doc had the utmost confidence in me. Nurses had the patience with me. My cell families was there for me carrying with them love and taking turns to visit me daily during my course of stay in the hospital. Friends I known in Griefwalk came to see me. The moment I opened my eyes, one of them was there and she came more than once to give support.

My beloved therapists are ever so supportive and have complete faith in me that I would recover well. They welcomed me with smiles the first day I got to rehab centre for my physiotherapy. I had small surprises in between the sessions. Not only discovering my capabilities each time I got there for sessions, I also found possible lasting friendships.

The folks, whom I prefer to call as housemates are ever so adorable. Reminds me of my past. And in certain ways, reminds me of my late granny. I love them. Adorable and sweet. Their wisdom ever amazes me. Who says grannies ain't fun?

I really am grateful for everything I have now. I truly do. God has good plans for me. Plans I may not know of still... I discovered things about myself. Things I never knew before this.

It is not about the gifts. But the thoughts. I am easily contented even with a message or call. Knowing I am in their prayers or thoughts.

My journey in life is long. Obstacles which I know will strengthen me and brings together closeness of friendships.

I cherish every moment I have.

Pain Tolerance & UberX Boyfriend

I went hardcore with physiotherapy today. Four long hours. And I must say only an athlete can take such long hours of pain.

However, one of my physiotherapist told another one who treated me today that my pain tolerance is high and be less afraid when I wrinkled my eyes in pain. Only when I suddenly sit up that he or she needs to stop massaging my calves and thighs. And that means the pain is at its peak.

I may probably able to manage transportation arrangements for myself too. Today I took cabs. UberX all the way to the nursing home in a SWIFT that got my caregiver a slight evil smile on her face when the driver was a finely dressed man with shades.

They thought he was my boyfriend. Hahahaha! And owner of the nursing home even urged me to get his number so as to have him drive me back and forth. Honestly, I prefer to have different drivers. I like flexibility.

My Birthday Cake for My Beloved Therapists

Special ordered cake from Cake Tella

Ordered yummiest apple mille crepe cake from talented Mr Eddie Tan of Cake Tella to treat my beloved therapists. 

Two thumbs up!

Most Memorable Birthday

I was very surprised with my cell family's effort in keeping much at home. Frequent visits, Whatsapp-ing to ask me of my wellbeing and even went the extra mile in ensuring I get fetch from rehab centre to the nursing home. They make the arrangement without my knowledge! I cannot tell you how much this means to me! I was silently in tears... Thanking and praising Lord for His blessings. 

Thank you for the photos! One for the album :)

Preparing to start the mini party with the folks

Yoke Ann lead the prayer for me

About to start singing a birthday song for me

Yay! Cutting the cake...unprofessionally @@

This before it all started. A classic look of a hungry monster

Rosalind helped in cutting the cake for me

And finally Alice helped out too

A bouquet of roses from my boss, Eric. Thank you!

All these ladies went hyper about the flowers

They even make me take a picture

Posers @@

They made me take a picture with the flowers

Not happy with the previous result, we took another one

Ended the day with Madam Chik

Survival Kit

It is 11:17 p.m. and I am sitting on the dining table of the nursing home I am staying for recovery; doing some reading and research of my own.

I was asked, teased and even raised some eyebrows when I mentioned of the place I have chosen for recovery. A nursing home.

Most people have the worse picture in mind and even dreaded the fact of spending the long period of time with old folks. Not with me and I got my late granny to thank for. She has given me first hand experience of dealing and communicating with people of her time.

I even thank my cellgroup members for their help in getting me a place here in this nursing home. If it was not for them, I would not be able to cope with daily chores like preparing my own food and even bring my own clothes to the washing machine and have it hung. Thank you.

They even check on me by calling me or Whatsapp-ing me to ask of my wellbeing. This also to assure me that I am still very much in their thoughts and for that I am truly truly thankful.

My beloved therapists also keep tab of my emotional state when comes to recovery. They also wanted to know how it was when staying in a nursing home. And I shared. And now their main concern is not the emotional state of mine but my weight. Though I have lost 1.9 kg in total right after surgery, I will very much like to reduce my weight or at least keep it at 62 kg at max. This would do justice to my knees at least.

I am pampered with really good home-cooked food prepared in the nursing home. You have no idea how difficult it is to really fight the tempting yummy food around here. Knowing how easy it is for me to gain weight, I have to learn to control the food intake especially carbs.

I told the nurses and caregivers of the home that I do not take much rice and I can even go without rice. So long I have chickens or fish, I am fine. And yes, they accomodate the best they can because most of us ( me and the folks ) cannot take much food.

Suppose it is time to share my so-called survival kit in a nursing home :-

1. I treat all the folks like my own grandparents

Truly I do. Like I said, I had first-hand experience thanks to my late granny. I keep the folks entertained. Here in the home, you are completely forgiven to act like a kid. I fool around and we laughed about the silliness that comes with it.

2. Making yourself at home

I brought with me, obviously, a laptop, books and painting materials. I have yet to get my hands on painting though since I am busy elevating my legs to control swelling.

3. My caregivers and nurses are my friends

What can I say? I felt loved and being treated like one of the folks - like a big kid. They said that I am the youngest patient to have lived in this home and suppose this is why they like company. By the way, I am a couple of years older than them. So there are privileges here. I can act like kid in front of the folks ( FYI, I am qualified to be grandchild and to one of them, I can even qualified to be her great grand daughter ) and a joker to the nurses and caregivers. That is what I call it double bonus.

4. Deja vu

I have a session of unfriendliness with one of the folk. She tends to annoy me but I think I charmed my way through with her. According to the nurses and caregivers, she is not easy to communicate and tolerate with. And here I am, granny, you taught me to be creative in handling you and even take a step higher in understanding you, and this proved to be so useful in dealing with this same folk. She reminds me of you.

5. Opportunity to improve yourself

This is one great opportunity to catch up with whatever I complained that I never had the time for.

6. Holiday?

Maybe my doc is right. It is a holiday and the kind of holiday where you only think about yourself. I am thinking about myself. I am being disciplined with my sessions of physiotherapy and also trying to do some manageable exercise on my own. Considering my future. Reading. Researching too. The only thing that a holiday package should not have is physical pain. Or else it is an ideal holiday 

smile emoticon

Busy Elevating Legs

My bed

I am all set for physiotheraphy session. Way early as I was awake by the commotion in the dining hall and my room which I shared with two 83-year-old ladies.

Glad to be able to sleep well last night as I did not take any nap.

I am now lying on my bed with both my legs elevated. Swelling badly and I refuse to use cold packs as it stiffens my knees. Bending will take a while should you use the ice packs. But, it is required and I will usually use it in the afternoon. Never at night because it is way too cold.

Cannot wait to see my therapists again. Despite the pain, I welcome it as a good beginning to a journey of lifelong of good health.

Aftermath of Massage

Right leg

Left leg

The bruises now a little dramatised. Swelling happens very often. I have to elevate my legs every two hours.

Had my first physio after surgery today. My therapists welcomed me with big smiles. Must be a smile that I pulled through well despite being a big baby days before because of the excruciating pain.

Doctor had brief them about my condition. And after some information digging, I realised that doc had make me a star patient. And I wonder why.

I am not the only patient that underwent such surgery. Maybe the fact that I did put efforts and being diciplined with my pre surgery physio that most patients do not take, had make me one. It is likely that I am going to prove that pre surgery physio does expedite recovery period.

Done with Surgery ( Battle Fought - Round 1 )

Joan & Jennifer came to visit me

What you see here is actually the unimaginable. My legs were darn heavy. I was told that this is what I would face and not to be panicked about. It was a tiring day and presence of the anaesthetic was still in me. Poor Joan had to watch me vomit those greenish liquid before my late dinner. 

Temporary Out of Service

All are well

Thank you so much for everyone's well wishes. I am still not sure when I would be discharged from hospital. Doctor loves me so much that he wanted to keep me for another day or two. The fact I will be heading to nursing home for recovery is not something he expected.

" You are not sick! You're just temporarily out of service! "

That was his reaction.

Doc, as much as you like to keep me, I need to leave the hospital because I miss breathing fresh air!