Survival Kit

It is 11:17 p.m. and I am sitting on the dining table of the nursing home I am staying for recovery; doing some reading and research of my own.

I was asked, teased and even raised some eyebrows when I mentioned of the place I have chosen for recovery. A nursing home.

Most people have the worse picture in mind and even dreaded the fact of spending the long period of time with old folks. Not with me and I got my late granny to thank for. She has given me first hand experience of dealing and communicating with people of her time.

I even thank my cellgroup members for their help in getting me a place here in this nursing home. If it was not for them, I would not be able to cope with daily chores like preparing my own food and even bring my own clothes to the washing machine and have it hung. Thank you.

They even check on me by calling me or Whatsapp-ing me to ask of my wellbeing. This also to assure me that I am still very much in their thoughts and for that I am truly truly thankful.

My beloved therapists also keep tab of my emotional state when comes to recovery. They also wanted to know how it was when staying in a nursing home. And I shared. And now their main concern is not the emotional state of mine but my weight. Though I have lost 1.9 kg in total right after surgery, I will very much like to reduce my weight or at least keep it at 62 kg at max. This would do justice to my knees at least.

I am pampered with really good home-cooked food prepared in the nursing home. You have no idea how difficult it is to really fight the tempting yummy food around here. Knowing how easy it is for me to gain weight, I have to learn to control the food intake especially carbs.

I told the nurses and caregivers of the home that I do not take much rice and I can even go without rice. So long I have chickens or fish, I am fine. And yes, they accomodate the best they can because most of us ( me and the folks ) cannot take much food.

Suppose it is time to share my so-called survival kit in a nursing home :-

1. I treat all the folks like my own grandparents

Truly I do. Like I said, I had first-hand experience thanks to my late granny. I keep the folks entertained. Here in the home, you are completely forgiven to act like a kid. I fool around and we laughed about the silliness that comes with it.

2. Making yourself at home

I brought with me, obviously, a laptop, books and painting materials. I have yet to get my hands on painting though since I am busy elevating my legs to control swelling.

3. My caregivers and nurses are my friends

What can I say? I felt loved and being treated like one of the folks - like a big kid. They said that I am the youngest patient to have lived in this home and suppose this is why they like company. By the way, I am a couple of years older than them. So there are privileges here. I can act like kid in front of the folks ( FYI, I am qualified to be grandchild and to one of them, I can even qualified to be her great grand daughter ) and a joker to the nurses and caregivers. That is what I call it double bonus.

4. Deja vu

I have a session of unfriendliness with one of the folk. She tends to annoy me but I think I charmed my way through with her. According to the nurses and caregivers, she is not easy to communicate and tolerate with. And here I am, granny, you taught me to be creative in handling you and even take a step higher in understanding you, and this proved to be so useful in dealing with this same folk. She reminds me of you.

5. Opportunity to improve yourself

This is one great opportunity to catch up with whatever I complained that I never had the time for.

6. Holiday?

Maybe my doc is right. It is a holiday and the kind of holiday where you only think about yourself. I am thinking about myself. I am being disciplined with my sessions of physiotherapy and also trying to do some manageable exercise on my own. Considering my future. Reading. Researching too. The only thing that a holiday package should not have is physical pain. Or else it is an ideal holiday 

smile emoticon

Busy Elevating Legs

My bed

I am all set for physiotheraphy session. Way early as I was awake by the commotion in the dining hall and my room which I shared with two 83-year-old ladies.

Glad to be able to sleep well last night as I did not take any nap.

I am now lying on my bed with both my legs elevated. Swelling badly and I refuse to use cold packs as it stiffens my knees. Bending will take a while should you use the ice packs. But, it is required and I will usually use it in the afternoon. Never at night because it is way too cold.

Cannot wait to see my therapists again. Despite the pain, I welcome it as a good beginning to a journey of lifelong of good health.

Aftermath of Massage

Right leg

Left leg

The bruises now a little dramatised. Swelling happens very often. I have to elevate my legs every two hours.

Had my first physio after surgery today. My therapists welcomed me with big smiles. Must be a smile that I pulled through well despite being a big baby days before because of the excruciating pain.

Doctor had brief them about my condition. And after some information digging, I realised that doc had make me a star patient. And I wonder why.

I am not the only patient that underwent such surgery. Maybe the fact that I did put efforts and being diciplined with my pre surgery physio that most patients do not take, had make me one. It is likely that I am going to prove that pre surgery physio does expedite recovery period.

Done with Surgery ( Battle Fought - Round 1 )

Joan & Jennifer came to visit me

What you see here is actually the unimaginable. My legs were darn heavy. I was told that this is what I would face and not to be panicked about. It was a tiring day and presence of the anaesthetic was still in me. Poor Joan had to watch me vomit those greenish liquid before my late dinner. 

Temporary Out of Service

All are well

Thank you so much for everyone's well wishes. I am still not sure when I would be discharged from hospital. Doctor loves me so much that he wanted to keep me for another day or two. The fact I will be heading to nursing home for recovery is not something he expected.

" You are not sick! You're just temporarily out of service! "

That was his reaction.

Doc, as much as you like to keep me, I need to leave the hospital because I miss breathing fresh air!

Thank You for Well Wishes

Thank you for everyone's well wishes and concern.

The surgery on both of my knees been done on 3rd March 2015. I am still at hospital recovering. The 5th March was not easy. I cried as the condition was too much for me to bear.

Today, after much prayers from my beloved cell members and friends, I am walking much well.

I still cannot walk for long. Though doctor encourages me to walk as much, there is so much a person can take.

There are many excruciating pain when it comes to bending my knees for standing up and also straightening my knees to get on the bed.

I pray things would get better in the days to come. My road to recovery is a long one. But, I trust in Him who provides me everything all my life.

My mugshot of the day

The front view of both knees - swelling

Right side of the knee. Obvious jabs or punctation wounds

Left side of the knee is much bruised it seems

Surgery Morning

The day and time has come. I am about to wear the surgery gown. Freaking scared. My hands are cold. My fingers are numb. Not a pleasant feeling. Really not when you do not know what to expect apart from pain. Even though you know the word pain exist, the amount of pain is questionable at this point.

There is always two side of the coin. Either it is extreme pain. Or... lesser pain than you thought. Okay. I am trying my best to be optimistic and also consoling my fear inside me now.

Admission Day

Today is admission day. I am nervous as less than 24 hours time I will undergo the much anticipated surgery. Part of me wanted to chicken out from all this. But, I went through 6 solid months of pre surgery physiotherapy session in order to save my knees. 

Trust me, it is not fun to be where I am now. It is as though a chicken prepared to be slaughtered...

Blood sample taken and there seemed to be no visible sign of punctured wound here. Am I a human or what?

Entrance to the lab where I waited for my turn for blood sample to be taken.

Sipped some tea while waiting for my number to be called and I could get my room.

Where I am now, chilling with hymms while my neighbour next to me jamming the night with laughters. Great thing here is that I get a good window view facing a shopping mall. Yes, window shopping is what I need now. I made it a goal too. To be able to walk as well as I can and as quick as I can after surgery.

And mind you, did I tell you that it is freaking cold here in the hospital?

Packing for Stay at Nursing Home

A luggage of books and drawing material which would last me a month of nonstop entertainment.

Preparing My Mind & Stamina

I have been informed by my therapists that I my mobility would be quite limited. However, it is also depends on the individual itself. They have complete faith in me that I would have excellent recovery since I have equipped myself with 6 months of physiotherapy and rehab therapy sessions. I trained 3 times a week with every session last between 2 to 2 1/2 hours.

The sessions get more aggressive as time passes by. And with the much anticipated day drawing near, my rehab therapists expect the best out of me with extension of time for certain exercises and also pushing my strength to the max.

Nevertheless, they have been great. Most of them have become a friend to me too. I got myself an optimistic Joey, photography enthusiast Gan, cute Farid, humourous Chun, and more. The list is way long than I anticipated.

I am briefed of what to be expected during recovery and also timeline of progression of my recovery. With that, I also set a personal goal of beating another patient in terms of encouraging recovery and strength.

While I gorge down with lots of festive food especially my ever so favourite pineapple tarts and put on a good 2 kilo within 2 days time, I am quite positive that I would do well for the entire ordeal.  Hope that the therapists won't get a good shock of their life knowing that I put on quite a great deal of pounds.

Mini Reunion Dinner

At Ben's

Dad enjoying the nachos. He said it taste good.

Waiting for his crab meat spagetti

Nachos

One for the album

Me

The view from where we sit

Dad enjoying the view

Preparing Myself

I am like about a week away from the day where I thought would be a good present for my 34th birthday. Believe me, I am trying to be as optimistic as I can; knowing the long road ahead of me.

I told my physiotherapists and rehab therapists that I would give my best in working hand in hand with them not just for my sake but for everyone in my life who truly cares about me. Despite dreading the fact that I would not be as mobile as I am now ( though there are some limitation of some sort ), I know, maybe we all know, what is best to be done now is always for a lifelong benefit. Well, the time has come. After 6 months of rehab and physio theraphy, my strength ( both mental and physical ) would be put to test.

My weekends, for the past couple of weeks, been busy putting away things in my room, making spaces in the house, ditching off unwanted items, stocking up on my personal toiletries ( which I think I may need more ) for the coming 3 to 4 months, compiling contact details ranging from work to medical needs etc.

There are friends who called me up for a drink, knowing that they may not see for a while in future till hopefully 3 months later. I took the opportunity to gorge down my favourite food before the long road ahead of me arrive.

Most meaningful thing to me is that my cellgroup family been there for me the best they can. I can never thank them enough for finding me a really beautiful nursing home. Jennifer ( the owner who runs the nursing home ) is truly only understanding woman and indeed wise in many ways. It is a small home with 10 occupants and a number of caretakers. I believe I would be in good hands.

Tea Time at Kaffa, Damansara Utama

Tea Time on First Day of Chinese New Year

First year without granny...

Last Lunch for the Year of Horse

Yummmm...

Making A List

As the day draws nearer, I get more agitated. It is not about the surgery itself. But, more if the recovery period.

I have been contacting and making appointments with people that I know to make arrangements for the past 2 weeks. My weekends are full of to-do things and also appointments. After some number of appointments , I have gathered more information which are of help to myself and I never thought about at the first place.

I have things like caregiving ( actively hunting ever since I got the date of surgery ), diet plan ( preparing a short list of questions to ask nutritionist within this week ), things to buy, restocking of toiletries for at least 3 months, handy contact numbers to obtain etc.

This is the first time I ever make such detailed thoughts for myself. Later part of the week, I shall need to revise my budget list and expecting some amendments to my current list. Things may change as I explore more work-around ways.

The physiotherapy sessions been a bit more aggressive for the past one month. It would be a total of 6 months of physiotherapy before I head for surgery. And it took me a lot of effort. There had been times I zombi-ed my way home after a tiring session. The therapists has been fabulous. They may be young. But, you cannot deny the fact of how uplifting each session can be even when you are in pain.

The doctor has been great too. I realized that he keeps tab of each of his patient's progress. Only thing he seems to forget is how time flies.

On Friday night ( January 23rd ) he was at the rehab centre to check on some of his patients. And he said something which I find amusing, " Wah! How come I see you here almost everyday?! "

I would if I could survive every of the session without tiredness to the muscles! But, then again, that does not serve the purpose. Muscles need to be triggered to function well and also need to rest to gain back its strength for the coming session.

It has been a solid 5 months with the rehab centre building my leg and knee muscles. And our effort paid off. My right leg is stronger. But, it is the most serious one between the two. Meanwhile, my left knee has its limit in terms of straightening and lifting. According to Maya, there are still nerves on my left knee. Which means the cartilage is much thicker on the left than at the right knee. The right knee lately been a little odd. It produced loud rubbing sound and without pain. It means more bone-to-bone rubbing going on in there than I thought.

My prayer is to have my knees back to normal. To have the cartilage repaired and the cells to able to multiply well and sufficient within this whole year after arthroscopy been done.

Long Drive

It is a long drive. Maybe not long. But, many drives. The highway that I took never seems to fail my imagination. If only the other end of this highway lies answers to all my questions.

A friend told me that it was all within me. Things that happened in the past took hold of me. The disappointments in life makes me so cold. My heart is hardened. Trust has become an issue. Big time issue.

Bondage. That is what it is called. Bondage.

God... how can I end this?...

Living the Way

There is always something about how people would react when seeing someone as undescriable as me.

You see, though I am who I am, I still do raise question marks on people's forehead. I embrace the person I am and would not even bother to change for the sake of pleasing or capturing people's attention.

Some days ago, I got that one particular look. It is not annoying look but really... curious kind. I was captivated with the eyes of the beholder.

Now do not get me wrong here. It is not some sparks or whatever. As an artistic person I do take notice of people's appearance and physique. It is me just being me. And there were times that I piss people off because I stare too much.

So there I was walking pass the person. Tall and lanky. Distinctive voice where you cannot help but to take notice of this individual.

This weekend I will get to see if my request is fulfilled. And that means get to see the individual.

Does It Matter?

The way you move makes me want to

run to you and give you a kiss

The way you talk to me makes me want to

lean on you and tell you this

" I can't do this no more anymore "

Does it matter to you how I feel

Does it matter to you of how I deal

with this mounting hill

of unreciprocated love of mine

Does it matter to you that I cry

Does it matter to you that I' dying

slowly inside that you are killing 

this heart of mine...that's so unkind...

Entanglement of Feelings

It was a tough week for me. Tough. The only word I can describe about my feeling. I missed Granny terribly. Sometimes it feels like it just happened.

Two weeks ago, I felt as though the world was against me. Everything seemed so not right. From the way people drove their cars to even the way people walked. The entanglement of feelings was something I dreaded yet hard to avoid.

Glimpses of Granny last few days was really unbearable for me. I have no one to talk about my feeling because I know none of them can help me in dealing with my feelings. The amount of guilt inside me is like surging waves of fire. I cannot bring myself in telling them how I feel.

Days ago, I poured myself to the bible. Worries over my knees due to the advanced condition of osteoarthritis and also guilt over the passing of Granny, I needed the Lord so terribly. The Lord sent me to 2 Samuel 22:1-20

1 David sang to the LORD the words of this song when the LORD delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. 
2 He said: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 
3 my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior-- from violent men you save me. 
4 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies. 
5 "The waves of death swirled about me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. 
6 The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. 
7 In my distress I called to the LORD; I called out to my God. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears. 
8 "The earth trembled and quaked,the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry. 
9 Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it. 
10 He parted the heavens and came down; dark clouds were under his feet. 
11 He mounted the cherubim and flew; he soared on the wings of the wind. 
12 He made darkness his canopy around him-- the darkrain clouds of the sky. 
13 Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth. 
14The LORD thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded. 
15 He shot arrowsand scattered [the enemies], bolts of lightning and routed them. 
16 The valleys of the sea were exposed and the foundations of the earth laid bare at the rebuke of the LORD, at the blast of breath from his nostrils. 
17 "He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. 
18 He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. 
19 They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the LORD was my support. 
20 He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.

I could not make out why He sent me this verses. But, somehow, some way, I was relieved. Maybe this is what people call it comfort.

I do feel like crying sometimes. And I just did. I know Granny will never return. I know she is in better place. I know she is in Heaven. But, I miss her terribly. I could have spend more time with her. I could have treat her better. I could have been a much better grand daughter.

The last words she said to me was her disappointment with me in term of treating her. I can never turn back time. I do not mean to block away God's blessing for me by not accepting his blessing or even grace. I just cannot forgive myself...