Wonderful Sense of Humour is Required

One last assessment by senior therapist, Mr Norbert Mohnen before I started work. 

Apart from the inconveniences I encountered and still encountering though not similar, the constant fear that resurface, there is also this tough work of getting yourself to the rehab centre.

Having spoken with many patients that has injuries to spine, shoulder, wrist, calves, knees and ankle ( to-date, only these patients I met ), I realized most of them finds it hassle to come for physiotherapy sessions. Some finds it a waste of time even. Some finds it costly to pay for their sessions.

Often we hear people saying that health is important. True enough. As often as we hear people saying this, it is also often we see people neglecting their health. And I am no exception. To be frank, my condition was not good at all. Both knees had their own set of seriousness. Someday I shall share with you my condition. As of now, I prefer to focus on recovery and the journey of it.

As a person who went through this whole journey for about 9 months now, 6 months of pre operation physiotherapy and 3 months of post operation physiotherapy and even witnessing and talking to patients who went through similar surgery but without pre operation physiotherapy, I would say there is a huge difference. What I am about to say here touches the aspect of investing time for physiotherapy sessions. Money aspect aside though.

Taking my own condition, I think I would not have made it this far if it was not for pre operation physiotherapy. I remember very well the very first session I had with the centre. It was painful. My muscles were so stiff and it could hardly do IRQ (inner range quads).

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A Hurdle Worth A Lifetime

This was shared during a wellness training I attended at work someday back. I choose to see the positive side of the journey taken by this ex-army and not some of the comments in this video. 

As a patient which has limited movements to your knees, you will know how much it means to you to be able to walk and do things like any other normal people do. Things like bending down to pick up things from the floor, sitting yourself down slowly, standing up without needing the aid of a clutch or the table to push yourself up, doing light house chores like mopping the floor etc. 

Things that some of us took for granted in life. I encountered countless inconveniences in my daily life. Not just now. But, for the past couple of years. I had and still have my fair share of frustration. Believe me. It is not an easy life I had or have. 

Lets put this in a very straight forward manner. I could not squat since 4 years ago. I could not kneel about 3 years ago. I could not run about 2 years ago. And that all leads me to this surgery which I need to do in order to save my knees. And I am counting on my prayers, my tears to pull this through. 

The awful feeling of getting frustrated with myself is always there. I prefer to do things on my own. Things like sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet, doing my own laundry, ironing my clothes, things like these that I mentioned here. Joey said I am one of her independent patients. And now you know why I am who I am.

Another side of me is that I am kind of a perfectionist. I like things to be done in certain manner and way. Basically, I like it my way. I have this thing that says that if you cannot do such small things in life, what does this mean any more to you? You got to rely on other people to do it for you. Oh, how troublesome!

The thing is, there is so much that one can do. Especially when you have come to such state. I have to come to terms that I cannot do many things in life and that I need other people in my life. But, part of me I know well, like what granny said " You got to be independent. I can never be with you for the rest of your life. You have to know how to be one ".

While I am still struggling to perfect the movements of my knees, I keep a very clear thought in my head - if granny could do it, so am I! You see, my granny broke her right femur 5 years before she passed on battling colon cancer. She told me not to worry about her and told me to go to work. I did what she told me to do. To leave her at home on her own ( I could not afford a caretaker ) was the hardest thing to do. 

A few weeks later she walked around the house and boiled hot water for herself to prepare some hot drinks. A few months later, she walked herself to the nearest Chinese restaurant for her meals. And that almost got my head spinning. She was a very independent woman. Very.

I would say that I am the most fortunate person to have someone as close as my late granny to inspire me to be independent. This is my core principle in life. A core that is hard to break as it was instilled in me since I was a kid. 

If you get the essence of what I shared here, it means I have done my part in telling you what I need to tell you. You know who you are. And I hope it helps you. 

There will be no hope if you stop believing you can do it. The struggles ahead of you now is nothing compares to the struggle in life that is ahead of you and there is so many years ahead of you, my friend. May not be sweet. But, believe me, it is a memorable one and it is worth every bit of your sweat to do this. Say your prayer and tell the Lord, our Abba, to help you. 

Week 14 : Knee Muscles Strengthening Exercise with Cones

This exercise aims to improve mobility of the knee, ankle and hip muscles. Seems like easy cheesy, eh? Not really. While one leg extended to the front, the furthest possible, the one behind has to bend to assist the extended leg to achieve full extension. The challenge here is the one which is required to bend. With my current condition, locking my knees to a certain angle is not an easy task. But, this is the aim. And this is my next hurdle.

Missing Her Badly

Photo taken in year 2011

It is one of those moments I have where I miss her terribly. I wished I could tell how much I miss her. As in measuring your love for someone dear to your heart. 

The past few weeks, the thoughts of her was lingering in my head. I could walk pass you with wet eyes and sometimes tears strolling down my cheeks. I tried taking of the last and tough memories I have of her. But, it seems those last memories I have are the most vivid ones. 

I wonder if I ever lost more memories of her. Be it good or bad, I cherish them... The fear of losing the memory of her voice even scares me. Honestly, I do afraid of forgetting her voice. 

Week 14 : Finally Able to Plank!

Yes, you read the subject right. I can plank already! Target met! May not be a perfect plank. But, heck! I did it!

Long Time No See ( Malaysian Style )

Me & Sung Ting at Art for Grabs

Being a typical Malaysian, I will say that saying 'hi'

Me goofing with the camera

Week 13 : Intensified Exercises

Intensified physiotherapy session started on June 2nd, 2015 and it gets better. I was given 4 exercises today. On June 2nd, 2015, I was given 4 exercises too. And one of it was shown in the video above. And while it was recording, I was exactly 3 months after surgery. The pain is still there. Muscles were screaming in pain and you have no idea how much effort it took for me to not to scream or even squeaked. Let me emphasized - A WHOLE LOT!
I brought up the idea to one of physiotherapist, Joey, that I would want to have my progress be recorded in a form of video. This is to keep track of my progress and also remind myself the type exercises that I can do at home or even in the office. 
All these look simple to normal people. Trust me. When you are as bad as me, all these exercises seem like a challenge. The mentality I have each time my physiotherapist throws a new exercise for me is that I will want to perfect it. I want to be as normal as I can. And if possible, normal. Completely normal. As though I never did any surgery before. In the video above, the exercise was given to me for the very first time and I had succeeded in executing it. To me, it was not perfect. If there was a machine that could screen me at that point, I can bet that my bones were doing the jiggy. And my muscles were struggling to transform into... Optimus Prime. Okay. I am exaggerating. Point is, my knees have yet to obtain perfect control on this slowly-sitting-down move. Further elaboration of the exercise above :- 1.  At standing position, part both legs to the side. The parting is measured based on the width of  the shoulder. 2.  Both foot has to face to the front. 3.  Slowly bend the knees. Buttock to the back. For better balancing, place both hands to the front.  4.  Keep lowering your buttock until it almost touches the seat. 5.  Hold on to this position for 10 seconds. At this point, the glute and quads are tighten up. Same goes to the muscles around the calves and feet.  

Week 13 : Up One Notch

My physiotherapy session has been upgraded. Tonight I did 4 types of exercises. Before this, means between week 3 to week 12, I would have between 5 to 8 types of exercises to complete. Exercises given are specific depending on one's progress.

 Each session of physiotherapy, I will be assessed by therapist who is assigned to treat me for the day. Some patients prefer to stick with one therapist. I, on the other hand, is alright to have any therapist who is assigned to me because each therapist has their own method in treating you. With this, you get to have different ' flavour '. Yes, I am making this sound like a recipe of some sort. But, you get my point.

Believe me, it could not get any better. As a matter of fact, it is better than I thought. In other words, challenging. Looks as though you were learning waltz steps here. According to my physiotherapist, I will get better in my second attempt and I believe that too. Somehow I need to figure out how to get this right.


Next up was stepping up and down the step board. Stepping forward-up is not too much of an issue for me at this point especially my right knee. But, it does hut for the left. Nevertheless, it is still manageable. At week 13, I have basically endured quite a bit of unexpected moves due to imbalances. Even though I have managed to walk as normal as I can, there are still some obvious weak knees control going on. I will limp or relying to one side of the leg, depending on the strength of the knees. As both knees have different level of strength and capabilities at this point of time, I will have to make use of whatever I have and then slowly perfecting it. Perfecting it means having both knees to do the same moves and also having the same strength and capabilities like normal people do.

Week 12 : Pre Operation Physiotherapy Helps Me

Apart from the inconveniences I encountered and still encountering though not similar, the constant fear that resurface, there is also this tough work of getting yourself to the rehab centre. Having spoken with many patients that has injuries to spine, shoulder, wrist, calves, knees and ankle ( to-date, only these patients I met ), I realized most of them finds it hassle to come for physiotherapy sessions. Some finds it a waste of time even. Some finds it costly to pay for their sessions. 

Often we hear people saying that health is important. True enough. As often as we hear people saying this, it is also often we see people neglecting their health. And I am no exception. To be frank, my condition was not good at all. Both knees had their own set of seriousness. Someday I shall share with you my condition. As of now, I prefer to focus on recovery and the journey of it. 

As a person who went through this whole journey for about 9 months now, 6 months of pre operation physiotherapy and 3 months of post operation physiotherapy and even witnessing and talking to patients who went through similar surgery but without pre operation physiotherapy, I would say there is a huge difference. What I am about to say here touches the aspect of investing time for physiotherapy sessions. Money aspect aside though. 

Take for example my own condition, I think I would not have made it this far if it was not for pre operation physiotherapy. I remember very well the very first session I had with the centre. It was painful. My muscles were so stiff and it could hardly do IRQ  (inner range quads). The exercise in the video may look easy to normal people. But, for someone with a condition like myself, it was a painful exercise. And this is just one of the basic exercises to strengthen the muscles around the knees.

 

Regardless how much pain you have to endure before the surgery, trust me, it is worth every bit of it. It made post operation physiotherapy easier. As the muscles were warmed up way before surgery, in other words, activated, the muscles are actually ready to take on the next level of tests. 

I learned that my condition did not take me 3 months to build its muscles strength. It took 6 solid months. That is how bad I was. Both therapists and doctor never objected to my target of getting the surgery within 3 months. Reason being, none of us know the amount of strength my muscles had. It was poor alright. It was like about 6 years or so that I never been to the gym or doing any real exercises.

Patients who dived straight to surgery, thinking they could handle post operation physiotherapist often gets frustrated with the fact they cannot achieve the speed and strength of doing certain exercises. They constantly complained about tremendous pain. I was told that our muscles have memory. And since you have yet to activate them and decide to move straight for surgery, this is actually the price you have pay.   

I was and still am disciplined. My ultimate goal has helped me this far and able to be as disciplined as possible to attend 3 sessions of physiotherapy in a week; whereby each session last between 2 1/2 hour to 3 hours, has so far bore me exceptionally good recovery. And I thank you God for this. 

Every patient gets to learn about their own condition and even learn a thing or two about health, correct (techniques) and targeted exercises and even our own body anatomy. What more can you possibly ask for in a rehab centre apart from getting help for your own condition? 

Talking about my goal. It is a simple goal - I would only opt for TKR ( total knee replacement ) only when I am 60 year old of age and nothing sooner. Now, I am praying for a miracle where I need not endure another surgery in future and certainly do not want to be wheelchair bound.  

Week 11th : Doctor Was Impressed

Me and doctor bumped into each other on 21 May 2015. I was there for my physiotherapy session and he was happy to see me. I, on the other hand, not really that excited. Mainly because I did not want the topic of the nursing home to be brought up. 

Doc   : Ah... Finally... I get to see you here!

Me    : Hi, doc.

Doc   : How are you progressing?

Me    : Okay.

Doc   : Tell me you can run.

Me    : And you know well that this will be like a year from now?

Doc   : This is important. You are important.

Me    : Every patient is important.

Doc  : But, you are a priced patient.

Me   : Priced as in P-R-I...what?

Doc  : C-E-D. Priced patient. Important.

Me   : All patients are. 

He walked away and told a female patient of something which I did not listen because I was in pain while a physiotherapist massaged one of my ankle.

Doc   : But, I heard somebody want to zumba ( and the conversation continues when he walked back to the end of the bed I was sitting on )

Me    : ( And how on earth he knew that? I have no idea )... ( silent )

Doc   : Unless I heard it wrongly. Or did I?

Me    : ( still keeping quiet )

Doc   : You got to walk well first.

Me    : Which reminds me of something. I will show you later since she is massaging my knees.

Moments later, before I could show him what I intend to show...

Doc   : Come. Walk for me now. Come.

Me    : Basically that is what I want to show you because last time, for the second time, you said I walked like someone who just got circumcised ( some little giggles was heard )

And I did my catwalk. I could not give it a damn if I walked like a crab or whatever.

Doc   : How long are you now ( into recovery ) from the day of surgery?

Me    : This is the 11th week after surgery.

Doc   : ( all smiling broadly )

The next day I received a Facebook message from one of the physiotherapists who treats me. And the message is...

Facebook message from one of my physiotherapists

Doctor was impressed. Impressed with the way I walked. Senior therapist reported to me with a serious face of how impressed doctor was. The way I walked was normal. The thing is, the fear of the sudden muscle cramps and sudden locking of the knees or failure of extension of one of the knees were there. You have no idea the possible dangers I might be at! 

For me, I am grateful for a lot of things. And I must say that I could never be where I am now if it was not for the Lord's mercy and grace on me. Truly. All praises to the Lord. 

Everyone ( as in the doctor, the physiotherapists, rehab therapists, my great cell family, my friends and colleagues, they have been fabulous. Thank you Julie for recommending me to the doctor too. Dad been cool in being my mini bodyguard throughout the last few weeks. The nursing centre played a great role too as they were there for me for 5 solid weeks, right after me being discharged from the hospital.

Consultation with Doctor....What?! You Do Not Know How Ketupat is Cooked?!

On May 2nd, 2015, my appointment with the doctor was early. Got the date set about 2 to 3 weeks ago. And last visit was the highlight of the recovery session. He found the way I walked funny. I went like " It ain't funny, doc! "

But, still... he found it funny mainly because I am still walking like a crab ( this is what I prefer to describe the way I walk as for now ). So, this round I got Julie to tag along as she also needed to see the doctor.

The first thing he did was to ask me to do the 'catwalk'. I, on the other hand showed him the x-ray that was done July last year and also in year 2011. He was disappointed that the one in year 2011 does not showed the top view of the knees. One thing learned. You need to have the top view of the knees to be x-rayed for reference.

The 'catwalk' was a mini session. The rest was a solid 20 minutes food and health educational lecture. In total, I have like a good 25 minutes consultation session with him.

Straight to the point, shall we? And this is how the consultation went between me and doctor :

Doc   : Walk for me.
Me    : Huh? Before I forgot, I brought something which you asked for weeks back. Hope not too late.
Doc  : What's that? X-ray?
Me   : Yeah. You said you want to compare.

Doctor took out the x-ray result taken in year 2011 and compare it with the current one. Only to find out that, like I mentioned before, the missing top view of the x-ray. The one taken last last year will then be compared to the one I am about to take by end of this month.

Doctor teased me again ( yes, again ) about my stay at the nursing home. Well, so long everyone was happy, as in doctor got to enjoy his session of consultation ( mini entertainment session during stressful consultation by doctor is a must. Doctor is human after all ), Julie entertained in a way and me...me... just being me basically.

Doc   : You still walk like someone been circumcised.
Me    : You did muscle release what. So, I need a bit of time to adjust to this new situation.
Doc   : Not new. Temporary.
Me    : Yeah. Temporary.
Doc   : Now... You got to cycle everyday.
Me    : Everyday?!
Doc   : Yeah. Why are you so surprised? You need to. At least an hour.
Me    : ( considering my choice of word now ) I don't have a bicycle at home.
Doc   : Then get one.
Me    : How to ride? I mean I am not even stable. And to ride at the middle of the road?!
Doc  : Get one like in the physio centre.
Me   : House too small. No space.
Doc  : There are ways.
Julie : Gym la!
Me   : ( Ahem! ' Thank you '. That is really of ' great ' help now because doctor gets to have a longer lecture with me )....
Doc   : Precisely. Just do not understand why patients are so stingy to invest in their health. Do you know what out of 100 household, 20% has bicycle at home. And out of 20%, only 1% that cycles? And where does the 1% at?
Me    : Gym?
Doc   : Right. So... get that started and start taking red meat. Helps a lot with the growth of the cartilage. How's your diet, by the way?
Me    : More on fish and chickens and vegetables.
Doc   : Not enough. You need red meat for iron. If you eat fish and chicken, then your cartilage is like fish and chicken texture. You need iron.
Me    : Hmmm...
Doc   : You see... Do you know ' ketupat '?
Me    : Uh-huh.
Doc   : Do you know how they are prepared?
Me    : ....no....
Doc   : No?! You do not know?!
Me    : I sincerely do not know. I just know how to eat them. C'mon, doc! Not a very surprising thing that females nowadays does not know how to cook! I am not you. You are passionate about cooking. Not me...yet...
Doc   : Tell me that you know how rice are cooked. ( look hard at me now )
Me    : Aiyah...that one I know la... Should have said rice not ' ketupat '.
Doc   : ( hand gestures of someone praying ) Thank you God that she actually know how to cook rice... Thank you... ( still praying hand gestures ). Now... your cartilage is still growing. And this is the best time to feed the cartilage. You do not expect the food you ate will eventually fall straight to your knees just like that. No. There are holes which I drilled and those holes need to be fed. And no other way than cycling. You need to compressed those nutrients into the holes. Make it hard. But, not too hard. Like cooking rice you see. Rice when they are cooking, you see some holes in between the rice, right?
Me    : ( nodding my head )
Doc   : And that's how it should be. You feed those holes. Cartilage needs to eat too. They need nutrients to grow become harder. But, not too hard. It has to be just nice. Density just nice you see.

Jokes aside. On a serious note.

Questions and answers for easy understanding.

1.   Can I still take calcium tablets even when I am fully recovered?
      Yes. But, I do encourage you to take natural resources of both calcium and glucosamine. Try not         to pamper your body with tablets or pills.
      My view : Great point. If not, why does God bother to create all these for us human to consume?

2.   Can I play basketball after full recovery?
      Advisable, no. Basketball is a rough sport. Too many fast and rough movements which involve the knees. Twisting especially.

Meanwhile, the hunt for the full length photo of myself is quite daunting. Manage to find this one which is really a disappointment. Taken in April 2011.

9th Week of Recovery & Progressing

Maybe this is the only best full length shot I have of myself that reveals my knees

My recovery has so far been more of a surprise than an anticipated one. At least for me. 

For the very first time, I fell asleep during my physiotherapy session while doing hamstring curl. Half way through, with the cooling air-conditioned space and a clean and comfortable bed ( is that what you call it anyway? ), I doze-off in no time. I was caught red-handed by the rehab centre's receptionist, whom then related it to the therapist who treated me. Gosh...

As I walked around at home often without any clutches at all, but, still near to the wall or some heavy furnitures for support, I can sense that my muscles are really working. There are some muscles tightness on the side of the thighs, slight pain on the knees and ticklish pain on my calves when they are swelling badly. All these are normal challenges I need to go through with.

While talking to my therapist during one fine physiotherapy session, I realized that I forgot to take down a photo of my knees before the surgery. Goodness! I went through my stack of photos in my phone and I really could not find any photo of it. How sad! And most of my photos are photos of me wearing long pants. And mind you, this is the secret of me having smooth skin for my calves, my dear therapists! Lesser sun exposure to skin, the more wonder to it!

Maybe I do have one. Somewhere. I would not know until I dig out all those old photos in my portable hardisk. The thing about having one as record is that to remind myself not to pull any more stunts that could damage my dear knees. The only thing I might be able to show in near future may probably the X-ray I took in July 2014 and one some time this month. It would be a comparison of my previous and current condition. By then, I would describe the condition of my knees before the surgery. 

The journey, though physically painful, it is still, as what Boon said, a memorable one. She had been through it with one of her knees and she knows what it is like. As for me, having two knees to be repaired at one go, no words can describe the feeling I have. Not that I am proud of the courage I had and the perseverance to grit through this. I am not. Basically, I am amazed even to this very moment with a lot of things. And for this I got to say that, all glory to God.

Today, my colleagues realized that I was walking much much better than last week. I felt so too. Hope this is not too early to say. Touch wood! Touch wood! But, seriously. Last week, I walked much crab-by than today. The muscles reaction is much quicker too. 

How did I know that it is quicker? It is because I nearly tripped and fell that it comes to my realization that it has improved. Nowadays, the chances of me enduring muscle cramps and sudden knee-lock are much frequent. I took extra precaution as I walk and always need to remember that I still need the clutches to walk to further distance and uneven ground. There are mornings where my dad needs to remind me to bring my clutches ( now you can imagine how eager I was to fully recover and be able to do normal things again ).

Apart from pains, cramps and muscle tightness around my legs, I also suffer these to other part of my body. Like today, I accidentally twisted my left arm ( between the elbow and shoulder. But, nearer to the shoulder ). And that does not help with stairs and slopes as I rely mostly on the strength of my arms and hands with the clutches to support myself around.

Whenever my knees are tired or in pain, I will transfer the strength to my hands and arms and to the clutches. Now with a twisted left arm, I need to have my legs more mobile and handle the situation the best of the knees ability.

Returning Back to Office

Yesterday was a very tiring day for me. Not at work. Not mentally. But, physically. 

I was glad to be back to work and at the same time dreaded the fact that I am back doing what I was doing. Making this as honest as possible, I am looking forward for a change of career path. That also mean sacrifices needed to be done. At this point, I suppose that is not possible. God has better plan than mine. 

Keeping this post as short as possible, before heading to bed for a good night sleep, I shall say that adapting to the busy work life is no fun when you are armed with elbow clutches and easily tired muscles.

I battled with bad calves swelling and also tiredness around the knees and thighs. The luxury of time I had in controlling the swelling is no longer available. The agony of not able to join your colleagues for lunch and catch up with the news happening in the office is not there neither. 

Though doctor been really optimistic of me holding a single clutch, I suppose no one knows this better than I do. I really thought I was strong enough to walk with one single clutch. Maybe I was wrong. I almost tripped and fell while walking from my car to home. Both knees suddenly could not bend when I was walking. 

My left foot hit the ground hard and my right stood still while I used both clutches to balance myself. For a split moment I thought my face was going to hit the ground. Praise the Lord that it did not. Or else I would not be able to type this post.

I will be asking my therapist soon about this. 

Hangout with Mindy

Tosei at Hor Spring Village, Setapak

Fear Resurface

I have mixture of feelings today. My morning was greeted with heartbreaks. Later part of the day, a comment made by a male patient sunk deep into my thoughts.

It bothers me a couple of days and I could not get it off my mind that I approached the senior therapist. Then it comes into my realization that " Hello! Roslyn! As if you didn't know! You knew and what are these all about? "

Yes, I did read about my condition. Now that I am " repaired ", like what a friend said, God is giving me a second chance in life. I am grateful for this. I truly do. And this is why I did and will continue do all I can so that I would not have any regrets.

Words are so powerful that it can either bring one up or down. And I cannot believe that I was defeated with simply a line of sentence.

This Saturday, while most people be away for the long break, I will make a visit to the doctor's clinic to get myself inspected and obtain green light to go back to work next week. However, me being my own doctor and a patient, all at the same time, I think I am good to go back to work.

The boys in the office will definitely be glad to have me back. In a way, I do too. The idea of a messy desk, however, is less of the ideal picture. And yes, someone is going to get some serious lecture from me when it comes to tidiness. 

Family Photos

One for the Album

The Inconveniences

One thing about having to hold a pair of elbow clutches is that when it rain, you got to choose between walking in the rain or stay put in the car. And I choosed to stay in the car and... of course catch some sleep.

This is one of the inconveniences I faced. I have yet to take into count the inconveniences of :

1. Doing groceries shopping (which I did before with got the rehab centre's receptionist telling the therapists. Happened when I was in my 5th week of recovery)

2. Walking on wet surface (I almost slip and fell a couple times)

3. Carrying a bag (struggling to bring minimal stuffs)

4. Picking up things which are on the floor (it helps a lot when you have a flexible body unlike me. But, after countless times attempts of picking things up for myself, I think I am getting slightly flexible)

Lunch @ PJ Section 2

Be INSPIRED

I may not know where my destiny is. But, i do know my goal in what I am going through now.

Attending physiotherapy sessions are easy. Enduring the pain is a different set of story. Nothing compares to the day when the doctor told me to get off the bed for the very first time after the surgery. I can never forget the pain I endured. Only God knows. My cries were heard by Him. Honestly, I can never go through what I went through without Him.

The remaining process is to build back the strength and to constantly be inspired by things and people around me. I have quite a long journey for recovery. A long journey to sustain the recovery period. A very long journey to keep everything intact and working well.

As I am recovering, I wonder where my life is leading. I know all happened for a reason. I questioned things like what all this is actually about, my callings and stuffs. The list goes on.

Some people has been asking me how I can sustain or go through this. Seriously, prayers the answer. I pray and somehow I have the energy to go through all these. I am nothing without Him. Think I can go through this alone? No way.

I tried my level best to be inspired. Apart from the people around me and people I come to know along the course of recovery and pre surgery, I watch a lot of videos that are inspiring, to remind me that I need to press on and that I have to press on.

And the video like this one is one of them.

It Ain't Funny, Doc!

On 10th April, I did a follow-up with doctor. I was about to sit myself down on the bed for him to inspect my knees when he sat on the other side of his office and told me to walk without my elbow clutch.

My eyes the size of sesame seeds went bigger.

Doc : Don't tell me you didn't curi-curi walk without clutches before...

Me : ( still looking at him surprised ).. I...

Doc : Small steps. Don't tell me you didn't...

Me : Yes, I did but...

Doc : Good. I know one! So, now... walk for me! Do some catwalks. Three rounds. I want to see.

And I walked.

Doc : Eh! Why so fast?!

Me : Why?! Why?! Wrong? Am I doing this wrong?! ( panic stricken )

Doc : No (smiling). No... not wrong. Continue walking.

Me : ( in my mind was " Apalah! Buat suspend orang je ... )

Doc : You know what? You walked as though you just kena sunat. And only thing missing here is the sarong...

Me : ( This ain't fun I am tellig ya... ) Muscles still weak. What do you expect, doc? My knees can suddenly gaveway and I might end up in the OT...

Doc : ( still teasing me about the way I walked and told it to the nurse who was watching too )

Me : ( This ain't fun... ) I am serious, doc...

Doc : You're progressing and your right leg will be a strong leg like I told you before.

Me : You fixed me and you know better than I know my knees. So long I do my part (physiotherapy).

Doc : Okay. You can wear your shoes.

Me : ( Obviously he forgot the challenge he threw at me two weeks ago ) That's all?

Doc : Yes.

Me : ( Adjusting my seat next to him ) Obviously you forgot.

Doc : What did I forget?

Me : Wait. You'll see.

Doc : See what?

Me : You will see. Wait.

Doc : What is it?

Me : Patience, doc. Patience...( Still adjusting my seat )

Then I stood up from the chair without my hands supporting myself. Doctor went amazed. Took a seat back.

Doc : Do it again! (All excited)

Me : Haiya... Again...

And I did it again.

Doc : Great! In three weeks time, I want to see you stand on one leg and hold for a minute.

Me : Huh?! (Aiyooo... why la I reminded him of the challenge?!?!)

Doc : Yup.

Me : I regret of reminding you. Next time I won't.

Doc : Next time you won't need to cos I am writing this down.

Me : ( Me and my big mouth -__- )